Rare Footage of the Legendary battle on the CrossFire Plains.

The ancients called it the Crossfire. A long, barren valley, razed beyond all organic tolerance, eclipsed by the world’s great mountains, and consumed by clouds which gave new meaning to darkness. Deep within its saw-toothed rocks pulsed the blood of ancient deities, for long ago, the God’s had used it as a battlefield. A place where all great quarrels over the governance of man found their answers upon the blades of these titans. It is a spiritual place. It is a place of courage and war. But most of all, it is a place of honor.

But now, many years later, upon these rocks stood a reluctant warrior. He was a foreigner to this newfound world of epic saga’s and selfless heroism. Like some wayward dandelion, blown by chaotic winds into a forest of redwood giants.

Had it only been three weeks since he last plowed his fields, sheltered in his serenity, ignorant and oblivious to the evils growing in the West? How now, he wondered, could two such opposite places exist beneath the same moon? And how he wished that by simply staring at the milky, iridescent sphere which brightened the Eastern skies he could transport himself back to his farm; perched atop a plow instead of this hover-board; resting his laurels atop a shovel and not a blade.

But there was no moon to see in this place; no sun and no sky either. Fires had consumed this world; leaving in their ashes a smoldering trail of wreckage and ruin.

The Fire. How it burned crimson behind Morticai’s sinister eyes—the eyes which at this very moment bored into the soul of the reluctant warrior from across the battlefield. These eyes held the tales of all the fires that had stripped the world of its beauty, and raped her of her sovereignty. And what more, it told tales of the future; of the fires that would burn, unabated, fueled by the very desecration they create.

If vengeance is not achieved upon this ancient battlefield, then upon the warrior’s home the hammer would surely fall. And like the rest of the world, it would not crush it entirely, but rather descend upon it as a wayward hammer falls upon a nail: bending it beneath the force of the blow, thrusting the spine out into a jagged and misshapen kink. Irreparably crippling the nail; disfigured, but still alive, snared deep within the cedar, forced to forever watch in horror as the hammer rears to strike again, and the fires continue to burn.
The fires must be extinguished….


This videogram is the only recovered footage from this epic battle.

Knowledge is Power

Its 8 oclock at night--do you know who your next door neighbor is?

They prey on our electricity, pollute our gene pool, and feast on our brains. They are Alternate Humans and they have come to conquer us.

Cyborgs, aliens, humans, zombies--these creatures are not the future, but a present gone horribly wrong. It is up to YOU the American citizen to protect our way of life from these savage beasts of perversion.

In conjunction with the United States Department of Agriculture , we have created a special educational video to arm Americans with the knowledge they need to rid the world of these infestations.




Remember citizens: Diligence prevails!!!

Top Ten Greatest Zombie Movies of All Time

It is the mostly heavily debated topic in the Science Fiction universe. Scientists and politicians alike have wasted away to nothing in pursuit of its answer. And here I stand, little more than a common man with the answer to the most sought after answer of human history: what are the 10 greatest zombie movies?

But perhaps I am more than just a common man. For the last several weeks George Romero has been visiting me in my dreams. Mostly we talk about the Simpsons and politics. But just the other night he opened up to me and gave me the truth to this illustrious question. And the answer rocked the very foundation of my universe.

But before we get to the truth, several things must be clarified. Thanks to the widespread dissemination of the “modern art ideal” into every form of media, there has been a steady erosion of the Zombie genre. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In nature, erosion is a natural process, benefiting ecosystems by shifting materials and reshaping earth. Likewise, artists and innovators should have a similar freedom to remodel culture without rebuke. Up to a point, that is. Whether in nature or culture, too much erosion can cause irreparable damage.

So what do we mean by erosion? The slow-as-molasses, instinctual humanoid with limited motor skills, and a complete lack of cognitive processing has been replaced by the 6 million dollar zombie; lighting fast, fueled with rage, indestructible, and in some cases blessed with reasoning and problem solving skills.

And so while the traditionalist in me wants to cry out, the pragmatist understands that some of the greatest zombie movies ever made cast these supercharged entities as their flesh eating antagonists. Plus, despite his brilliance, I don’t wish to become a Romero snob; he didn’t invent the genre, he just perfected it.

So without furhter ado...

10. Versus

An escape attempt gone horribly wrong, a mysterious woman, and forest with regenerative properties unites one man with his destiny…and a fist-full of zombies.

If there is one thing to be said about Versus, its got quite the archetypical hero. Brilliant in his swordplay, composed of a calm and rational demeanor, indifferent to the world, Schwarsenagarian in his catchphrasery, and above all else, a gentleman of the most noble order; valiantly rendering his female co-star unconscious to spare her any ensuing violence.

I’ll admit, this movie tweaked my skepticism at first. I reached my tolerance for zombies wielding pistols in Day of the Dead. And after a while the one dimensional characters become swallowed up in the increasingly complex storyline like a battered navy in the sea of Charybidis. But any disillusionment soon disapears in the face of fantastic swordplay and the brilliant marriage of samurai and zombie genres. And in the end you just can't help smile at the mutant offspring they create.

Scene of Note: The villain handles an attempted escape by plunging his fist through the man’s heart and feasting on his remains; Kano would be so proud

9. Day of the Dead
With humanity’s fate hanging in the balance as Zombies teem from the pores of every city, a renegade group of scientists and military officials make camp in an abandoned underground military base. Will they discover a cure in time?

The acting is way too over the top. The commanding officer plays his role like Mussolini’s psychotic relative. The belief that you can sever a person’s arm several minutes after a Zombie bite and halt the spread of infection is outright ridiculous, and ignores the simple truth that blood travels at over 400 cm/s in major arteries. And if these three aren’t enough, there is always Bub.

But once you adapt to Captain Rhodes outbursts and other miscellaneous lunacy, the film really grows on you. Savini’s gore effects have matured. What once looked like Nickelodeon Gak and pink slime pouring from freshly torn skin now actually resembles dismemberment.

And when it all comes down to it, as ridiculous as the notion of training Zombies may be, you just can’t help but sympathize with poor Bub. Picture the tragedy. The one man who taught him that there was more to life than just eating the brains of the living, who taught him the joyous wonders of converation was taken from him, plunging poor Bub eternally into lifeless world; cursed to forever walk the earth in silence.

Scene of Note. Bubs execution style takedown of Rhodes, leaving the remains for his friends.
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8. Cemetery Man (Dellamorte Dellamorte)

In what could almost be a prolonged episode of “Dirty Jobs,” Rupertt Evertt must endure a life of solitude at the cemetery, charged with the task of guarding the townsfolk from the walking dead who rise weekly. His lonely life is interrupted when he falls in love with a local woman; too bad she carries some unfortunate baggage…

I must admit it is more the concept of this movie that earns it number 8 than the movie itself. It’s a brilliant take on the zombie genre, making the man the true focus of the story instead of the Zombies themselves. And those of us who have ever worked in a job where the first 15 minutes of every morning were spent staring at the ceiling willing the apocalypse to come and relieve our pain, can take comfort in the fact that at least one person had it a little worse. Talk about dead end jobs…

And though the love story occasionally falls flat, it presents a highly unique take on infidelity. If nothing else, Cemetery Man is proof that even death can’t stop the most jealous of husbands. To rise from the grave just to tear the flesh from your adulteress; how Hawthornian.

Best Scene: A distraught Rupert Evertt waits anxiously, praying the corpse of his lover won't join the ranks of the living. But then...a finger moves

7. Fido
In the 50’s gone wrong, Zomcon, the saviors of the zombie infestation, have found a use for the endless legions of zombies; “un-deadtured servants.” Mayhem and hilarity ensue when Murphy ’s Law proves that some zombies just weren’t meant to be chained…

Fido is proof that Return of the Living Dead and Shaun of the Dead would not forever reign as the lone champions atop the zombie spoof mountain. A perfectly crafted alternate universe, almost as if Horatio Alger rose from his grave and took to posthumously writing zombie films.

What impresses me most is that the movie is plausible in its absurdity. If we can accept the preposterous notion that a collar can domesticate zombies as fact, then every subsequent plot element is believable. From the youth troop practicing zombie infused McCarthyism to a man’s wealth being measured by the size of his zombie work force, it all makes sense in a bizarre American way.

And Fido himself is the zombie community's manifestation of the baby boomer ideal, vacillating between his primal urges for flesh and every zombies secret desire for the American Dream: a white picket fence, his master’s wife, and a clinic to cure his addiction.

I guess you can teach an old zombie new tricks

Best Scene: A child’s bullet accidently penetrates the frail skin of a zombie and lodges itself in his little brother's abdomen.

6. Shaun of the Dead
Ordinary refrigerator salesman Shaun is plunged into the extraordinary when the zombie infestation comes crawling to the door of his London flat. But just because the worlds gone to hell, doesn't mean we can't nurse our suffering with a few fart jokes.

Finally, a movie that recaptures the essence of satire. Shaun of the Dead is capable of both lampooning its chosen genre, while also creating a believable storyline. So believable that you can watch the events of this move unfolding and almost believe it is occurring in the same universe where Romero’s protagonists are bogged down in a mall.

Shaun is your perfect everyman, which is partially why this movie is so successful. It fulfills the ultimate male instinct; to test our manliness in a world infested with zombies! Well not necessarily zombies per se, but that deep, primal, and irrepressible need to protect our loved ones in times of crisis and despair—to prove our worth as provider. Even the walking dead can’t erase 2 million years of evolution.

Scene of Note: Shaun and Ed find a new use for their old 33's


5. Return of the Living Dead
The Dead return to terrorize a group of 80’s rocker punks who kill time by romping half naked through the local cemetery. We also finally learn the true reason behind the dead’s lust for brains. Though if its brains they’re after, they’ve picked the wrong crowd.

By all traditional standards, this film should be a dud above all duds. No real attempt at a plot, Zombies that are not only indestructible but capable of intelligent problem solving, and protagonists that seem like they got lost on their way to a Smith’s concert. But much like a Long Island Ice Tea, this movie somehow brings together many things that have no business being in such close proximity and makes it taste pretty darn good.

The dialogue really flows. And while most of it seems outlandish, it is believably outlandish. The “worst case scenario” gag of the film follows the perfect comedic formula. They’ve reanimated a corpse that can’t die, so it must be chopped into little pieces. But what to do with the little pieces; incinerate them. But incineration causes chemical rain which reanimates the entire cemetery. So they call the cops, but the zombies eat the cops, so more cops are called. And so on, and so on…

I must also add that this is the only-non porno movie I have ever come across to tastefully include a shaved female pubic region in a nudity shot. Nicely done!

Scene of Note: When the punk rockers flee to the basement of the medical supply warehouse and we learn the true meaning behind “brains.”

4. Wild Zero
Aliens, zombies, pedophiles, heavy arms trafficking, transsexuals, love, and the self proclaimed “greatest rock and roll band in the universe” come together to save the world. And through it all we learn that even the most powerful spaceships in the cosmos are no match for rock and roll.

What happens when Cameron Crowe grows up in the East, studies Japanese influences on film rather than American and decides that he wants to make a zombie movie starring the Japanese version of Bruce Campbell? The world gets Wild Zero. In the most brilliant bout of self-promotion ever, Guitar Wolf gallivants about Japan, fighting zombies and mentoring their biggest fans about the twin pillars of existence: love and rock and roll.

Guitar Wolf is just as brilliant as Val Kilmer in True Romance, acting as a spiritual guide for fan-boy Ace in his darkest moments. Not to mention the finest zombie takedown weapon ever created—electrically charged guitar picks. And no matter how many gangsters, thugs, zombies and Aliens try to bring the posse down, love and Rock and Roll just can’t be defeated.

So the Beatles had it right after all: All you Need is Love

Scene of Note: Love’s true boundaries are tested when Ace gets his first full frontal glimpse of his lover...

3. Night of the Living Dead
A peaceful outing goes awry when the dead begin to rise, and a woman must flee and barricade herself in an old house with several strangers. What are these creatures, where do they come from, and when, if ever, will they stop?

Silence is Golden. Sure any film must have dialogue to express conflict. Sure the characters must bicker amongst themselves in times of tension. But when this isn’t occuring, watch the charactesr in NOLD. They're staring, silent, consumed in their belief that somehow the walls of their prison will shed their paint, and the cruel veil of terror which has enveloped their universe will unravel, and release them from this nightmare. But is there any other way to react?

Put yourself in this position. If the dead suddenly began to rise and devour the flesh of the living, what would there really be to talk about? Once you've taken care of the business of fortifying your house and gathering provision what can you really do to pass the time? Whats the point of small talk in a world where the dead walk the earth?

Scene of Note: After surviving hell, attempted mutiny, and the living dead our main character succumbs to the greatest foe of all: racist white men who shoot without warning

2. 28 Days Later
In on hell of a "rude awakening," a man rises from a coma only to discover a derelict London, torn asunder by a apocolyptic tradgedy. He bands with other survivors to try and find hope in a world that has forsaken it. Trying to survive in a world where death is the easy way out...

I may get shot for saying this, but say it I must. 28 Days Later achieves something that I don't think any other zombie movie ever has--fear. We classify other zombie movies as horror, but do they really scare us? Is that why we, the zombie lovers of the world pop them so regularly into our DVD players? No. We watch them because they are unique, because their concept fascinates us. We watch them because they don't take themselves too seriously and create a campy experience that we can both admire and criticize. But they never scare us.

Until 28 Days Later. And it succeeds in creating terror in so many ways. The barren austerity of what was once a bustling metropolis. A soundtrack that has Brian Eno locking his doors has night. Zombies possessed by the most destructive of all human emotions. And perhaps most terryfing is their take on what it means to survive. Why do human beings choose to carry on? Why do we survive? In a world where people have not only lost their parents and friends, but probably had to kill their families to save themselves, why continue? Do we cling to hope for the future? Do we cling to love? Or is it the most primal of instincts? Some microscopic element, too tiny to ever see, with a 400 million year track record of survival that just won't let us quit.

Scene of Note: Mountains, rivers, fjords, and glaciers are all beautiful. But have you ever seen a more stunning sight than Piccadilly Circus absent of life.

1. Dawn of the Dead (original)
The World is coming to an end and mankind has only one place to turn: the shopping mall.

The most American zombie movie ever created. So permanently engrained in our subconscious is the need to buy that not only do the title characters find refuge in a shopping mall during the apocalypse, but zombies, brainless autonomatans with no lasting traces of humanity, shuffle slowly to the sporting goods store on instinct alone.

Finally, a movie addreses the issue that many other zombie movies don't: where the hell are the looters? Tom Savini, most famously known for the man who makes dismembered flesh look like playdoh, is wonderful as the sinister gang leader for a nomadic biker gang, bent on taunting the walking dead and robbing the living.

And our main characters are so dependent on their consumeristic urges, that they choose to fight, both zombies and looters, rather than even think of abandoning their newly reclaimed shopping center.

The zombies may have taken our families, our homes, and our lives, but they will never take our shopping mall!!

Scene of Note: What business does a Hari Krishna have in a small mall outside of pittsburgh?

The One Where He Sets The Terms

The other week as I persued the internet, aimlessly clicking way on google, I uninentionally came across the end of the internet. The sight was marvelous to say the least, and to even attempt to describe to you the sights I saw may render you unfit to live a normal life, and I simply couldn't shoulder the burden of bringing such damage.

But despite my journey across the infinite plains of the web, I never once came across anything contributed by me.

And so it becomes clear: I must start a blog.

I promise this blog will have several things:
1. Weekly mutterings about zombies, mutants, and other science fiction miscellany
2. Periodic montster madness competitions, in which thematically chosen Sci Fi baddies are pitted against one another until a champion is crowned.
3. Period links to my own science fiction stories.
4. Anything else a reader (if I have any!!) happens to suggest.

And so hopefully one day I will find myself in a similar situation, aimlessly wandering the supreme vastness of the internet. And on that day I will come across a name, a name I've never seen before.

And that name is Shea